I feel like more often than not, this is the state that is interwoven through the fabric of my fun and adventures. Yes, people are envious of my life for various reasons – my freedom, my experiences, my ability to travel all over. One friend even commented on how I “always seem to have a gorgeous male on my arm.” Haha.
Perceptions can be deceiving….
Don’t get me wrong, I am really thankful for my new found freedom –freedom to live, to explore, to love, but more often than not, for a formerly Type A person, freedom is more scary than fun. If you want to get really deep here (“That’s What She Said…” Haha. Sorry, I had to…), the reason I travel so much comes from the deep seated fear of being alone. I have fully let go of my formerly introverted love of laying in bed with nothing to keep me company but the characters from a good book and have morphed into a mass of seemingly random and errant emotions that can pop up at anytime, especially if I find myself alone at home. If I am not with someone, or talking to someone, going somewhere or doing something, I fall into an almost desolate despondency. I sometimes feel like I’m a weird mixture of confidence and insecurity, with a whole heck of a lot of baggage, emotions, and a cherry on top.
For the first time in 8 years, I have begun to have anxiety attacks again caused by my feelings of being off balance and lack of control of my life. I hate them. It makes me feel like I’m not even in control of my own body.
When I feel this way, I am thankful to have good friends who talk me through and remind me that everything is going to be ok, I can’t always be in control (even if I am the Queen of Everything) and that I can choose to be happy.
So, I’m feeling a bit confused. A bit insecure. A bit alone. And way out of control…but I am CHOOSING to be happy. Dammit.
This post makes me feel naked, but when I started this journey, I vowed to put it all out there –the good, the bad and the ugly. Today, you got some of the bad and the ugly…thanks for reading and being a part of my journey. XOXO.