Today I bought a journal.
Now I know that’s probably not a big deal to anybody else, but for me, it’s monumental. It actually scares the crap out of me. I used to journal all the time, documenting the angst and agony of the teenage life. I journaled through my twenties and then I stopped at 29. I was broken and I could no longer find the words to express my pain and I closed it all off.
So now I have been stuck for 6 years with lots of walls that I’ve erected against myself. In the past, I would read my journal entries and see the path of my growth and discovery. Obviously, it was awesome to see the journey, but it also was difficult to read about my struggles. When the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried to express everything on paper and found that I could not. I hid from myself. I didn’t want to see the pain, the brokenness, the fears, the insecurities reflected back to me. Ever. I still don’t. I was safe in my survival mode and focused on getting up each day and going to bed at night. I suppressed the bad feelings and focused on breathing.
My friends have encouraged me to journal and I know I need to in this journey of self discovery. I know there is a lot of emotional damage that needs to be dealt with to make me a better person and I know it’s time to fix them before I can go any further on the path.
But I’m scared. I am paralyzed by the fear of what I might find and the work it’s going to take to fix it. I’m not sure I am brave enough for this. In fact, I want to put the journal in a drawer and never look at it again. I know, I know. It will be good for me, but like going to the dentist, you know it’s good for you but you know it’s gonna hurt and so you dread it and you put it off and you hope that the pain will go away and that you will be miraculously healed. But it doesn’t. The pain gets worse, it gets infected and festers and throbs until you can’t ignore it anymore and have to face the fear.
Well, I can’t ignore it anymore. It’s time to face the fear and break down some of these walls I’ve built to protect myself. Let’s do this.